So last Thursday my mother and I had a complete breakdown of communication which ended nasty. I was sick and home all day and sitting in bed with my hubby & kids doing homework when she got home. She called out asking if I was feeling better, I called back yes. But as I was busy I did not get up to talk. She also did not come to see me. She then went to the kitchen to get the food into the oven to warm up (the cantina arrives lukewarm). She starts getting riled up, about what, I am not sure and then she starts yell across the house for something no one can hear. Mind you this is common practice in my house, we all yell across the house. It's a large house and it echoes, so it's easy to yell across the house instead of chasing everyone to get what you need. A little lazy yes, but this is how I grew up, changing this isn't happening plus both of my parents are going deaf so sometimes you have to yell in their face and use hand symbols in order to communicate. Still knowing this she doesn't stop to think. So on this day she starts yelling and I am in my room across the house trying to do homework, I yell back that I can't hear her, as my dad's tv is blaring and I am trying to finish the question I am working on with my son to go over. Before I can even make it completely off my bed I here here yell Fuck you, (me). Seriously, this all takes place in a span of no more than 5 minutes from first yell to the end of the argument. So now I am fuming. She hasn't been home 10 minutes and I am sick, none of us have any clue what is wrong and I wasn't even sure she as talking to me originally. I was going to see, because as stated my dad is deaf and had the tv blaring, so I figured we could yell until we were blue or I could go over and see what the problem was. I get over to the kitchen and wham, the bitch in me comes out. This doesn't happen often and when it comes to my parents it never manifests in a nasty way, I wasn't raised that way and if I had tried what I am about to do as a kid, I would have lost my face and been grounded forever. But suddenly I was really tired of the lack of respect and really tired that this was happening on her part more and more. Plus it seems that because she can't release her real anger issues on the persons she needs to, she takes it out on me. That day my dam broke. So I walked into the kitchen and told her first, what is your problem, second no one can hear you, you sound like your grunting from over there, and third Fuck you too. Then I walked away and didn't speak to her again until Saturday,
Yes, bad, bad me, but shame on her too.
So, Saturday she comes into my room as I am cleaning and starts the conversation by saying. I may have been a little bit out if line, but.......you where completely out of line and you have no right to speak to me that way and it was your fault for not responding. Yes, that was her response, slightly paraphrased as I honestly can't remember the exact words. My vision had gone red and my hearing had tunneled, still this time I reigned it in and responded by saying, are you done, yes then ok, please leave. I think this shocked her, she looked surprised and honestly a little disappointed she couldn't stay righteous. So then she pulled the I am not leaving. After a couple of minutes of the back and forth of I am not leaving and please leave, her demeanor finally changed. Once it had, I told her that she may not like it but if she was disrespectful to me, that I didn't have to tolerate it ,not even because she was my mom. So right or wrong I had the right to respond the way I did, and that if her mother had ever done that to her she would have responded the same way. She got huffy again said more stuff and then I said more stuff and her response was if this was the way I wanted it then fine I could stay angry then walked out. After thinking about it for a minute is followed her to her room and I basically said that no I did want to stay angry but that what I had gotten wasn't enough. She then answered, what do you want an apology I said I was wrong, didn't I? Again yes that was her answer. So I yelled back, that yes that would have been a good place to start, then walked away.
After a little while, not really sure how long, she came back and said, that I was right and that she was sorry. Then she said that she was tired of being yelled at and that she was tired, stressed, and in pain. None of this was a surprise, I have heard it all before. I looked at her and said, part of the problem is that she had stopped listening to everyone so she said, yes, yes it is all my fault. I responded no, it's not, but that she needed to listen. Example, if she has to yell to be heard from across the house, what made her think that to get a response she would not get yelled back at. That she complained that people were yelling, but we have told her many times that we couldn't hear her, especially when dad had the tv on, yet she insisted on doing it. I also told her she wasn't the only one tired, the only one who worked for twelve hours. So she said but I am older, and I looked and asked why would it be ok for her to be tired when she was younger and need to escape to her room but it wasn't me to be tired. I went on to point out other were stressed and in pain too. That the point wasn't that others had issues, but that she had stopped considering others and listening to other and was consumed with its me me me. I told she was being a hypocrite and that she was severely depressed. That this was not the first time I had told her this and that she needed help. I know that she feels abandoned because her parents and her brother have passed on, but that she was still here and she was doing nothing but working her way to abandoning us. I also told that I was positive that she was angry with my uncle for dying and that if she had to to take a dummy and put his picture on it and beat the crap out of it to feel better, than she should do it, but that she had to do something about it. She has also been saying that she thinks she has RA for over three years, which she reminded me again that day, and I looked at her and said exactly!!!! She couldn't find 5 minutes to go to the doctor in all this time. She responded that she didn't have much time. I said no that it wasn't the time, that she was punishing herself for living. Other things were said but that was the gist if it. At the end I told her that I wasn't mad at her so much because she has told me to go fuck myself, but more so for the reasons that lead up to it. She had to get help and she had to start listening. That of course I would get over it, that she was my mom, I just needed a little time.
Still getting that all out I felt so much better and I think because I shocked her my responding the way I did, she might have actually heard me this time. It's exhausting, I know this post is long and possibly slightly confusing, and I know my original response was out of line itself, but i had hit end point. I couldn't stand by and let it pass anymore. I really hope she listens, finally goes to the dr and maybe finally starts feeling better. She's angry at so much and she is so depressed and I seem to be one of the only outlets for both. I am not her verbal punching bag. I don't want to turn I into her verbal punching bag and I was coming to close for comfort. I know need to stand strong and not let things spiral as bad as they did, let's just hope she works with me on this.